Saturday, March 18, 2017
I'm back

It's been years but I think I should post again.  So below is what I wrote... in a word processor as whenever I type in here I look away and lose the whole thing.   

FFUUUUCCCKKKK I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I met a guy, briefly. He wanted to hook up in a public restroom and I was like no…. He tried pressuring me but I held my ground cause yeah that’s gross. There’s shit and piss and yeah no. So he’s not my type, and ghosts me for 2 weeks after that. Then I hear from him, he says oh yea I deleted Facebook messenger and whatever some bs excuse, he really wants to meet, blah blah blah, he wants me to meet him at Starbucks and go to my house. I have a cold and tell him I don’t know if I will fee better on Sunday, it’s Friday. Saturday he messages me, asks how I am doing. I think awww that’s nice and he really wants to meet. I don’t think he’s my type but I dunno it’s worth meeting him again I figure since the first time was like a quick hello. So we make plans for Sunday.

Saturday night, he messages me asking when I am going to tell him I’m a sex offender. I’m like.. uh.. if we were like dating I would and I am not a sex offender, I’m on the god damn list but I am not one. Then he tells me not telling is like not telling someone that you are HIV+? I don’t have HIV, I mean he wasn’t saying that, but apparently in his mind we were definitely having sex on Sunday and that not telling him I am on a sex offender list would be the same as not telling him I have a incurable, potentially lethal, communicable disease? Like really? We met for 5 minutes before you went to work, you wanted to fuck in a public place, I said no. Then before our second meetup you ask around about me, get told that little jewel of information and then say that to me?

So I say fuck my life.

Posted at 11:51 pm by Unforgiven
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Friday, November 02, 2012

My home and my job has been taken from me by Probation people.  I thought I would write again, maybe it would help my mental health which has been declining.  Things were good for a while.  I’m at a Starbucks now, there is a table full of businessmen looking people who are speaking Farsi or some language.  It’s amazing how animated and passionate they are, it seemed heated for a bit.  It’s a good thing they are not in Idaho, someone would call Homeland Security on them lol.  I actually looked around to see if there were any Federal Agents watching them.  It’s hard to say, there is a lot of people in here.  I’ve been having horrible dreams lately, and have been waking up disorientated as to where I am.  I don’t sleep well anymore.  I feel so very alone.  I have so few friends, and those I have don’t seem to want to talk to me when I am down.  I don’t blame them.  I no longer see the end anymore.  I used to have goals, and dreams about what I would do in the future.  I am talking about awake dreams now.  I don’t seem to have those anymore.  I don’t see a future.  I don’t see anything good ever happening to me anymore.  A crazy homeless man sat on the couch next to me.  Is that what I will be become.  Perhaps he is just me a few years from now.  He smells like hell.  Oh Jesus he smells like hell.  I would move, but that is kind of rude.  I guess the discomfort of sitting next to him pales in comparison to the other problems I have.  He’s talking and moving his hands.  That’s great.  Maybe he is talking to someone that I just can’t see.  Wouldn’t that be funny.  Maybe he’s gifted, and can see into the past or future or another dimension and he’s not crazy.  Or maybe I am crazy and there is no one sitting next to me.  How do I know, how would I test that hypothesis.  He left to sit outside and smoke. 


My friend Chris told me to leave the country.  He always has these grand plans.  I’m not sure how I am suppose to effect them, but he seems to think it’s possible.  I think they would probably go after me if I left the country.  He thinks I can make 30 ��" 40k a year in another country in American dollars and live very well in that country.  I might like that. 

Posted at 09:00 pm by Unforgiven
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I lost

I lost, things got worse, things got better, but things are still not good.  My life is never going to be the same, and I've lost so much of it.  My anger has subsided some.  It's like now I just roll with it.  I have family and friends who have helped a lot.  I would not have made it through it without them.

With the first link a chain is forged.  The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.

Posted at 05:25 am by Unforgiven
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Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday Night

I feel like something is wrong lately, and not just the usual wrong. The other day I had deja vu, really bad deja vu all day.  I went to places for work that I felt sure I had been too before.  I still think he took me there but he said he was sure he hadn't. It was a small building for a large truck scale that houses one employee. It's like I have this overwhelming feeling something really bad is going to happen. I keep forgetting to take my blood pressure pills, when I forget my blood pressure goes dangerously high. I would give anything for this to end, for the state to leave me alone, for me to move on with my life. I can't move on, I am stuck.  I feel like I haven't grown as a person in 6 years, I feel like I'm developmentally stuck.  I am withdrawing more and more. I am forcing myself to go to Moscow, to visit a friend that I am not sure is still a friend but that's a long story. We were close once but we are totally different people now. I feel I have to get out of the house, for my health. I'm not looking forward to the stress of driving 150 miles in a vehicle I don't trust but I have to get out. I am withdrawing more and more. I don't have any control, I can't stop anything from happening. Part of me wants to spend another weekend sleeping, like I do most weekends. I've been thinking if I quit my job, or lose it, or whatever that I am going to find something I can do completely from home. I don't want to leave the house anymore. In fact ideally I'd like to have a few inches of plate steel between me and the world, I'd like to have my groceries delivered, etc. I just don't see the point in venturing out anymore, nothing good ever comes of me interacting with people. With that said, I'm going to see an old friend this weekend. I guess I am still trying, if I am still trying I guess that means I still have hope.  If I have hope then there is hope.

Posted at 11:14 pm by Unforgiven
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Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Loss and questions

Six years ago if you asked me how lucky I was I would have told you I didn't have very much luck in life, weather it be money or relationships or success. It's amazing how you don't appreciate what you have until you lose it all. It's not until you look back that you realize you had things pretty good. The last big thing I had, a job I liked, has now turned into a job I don't like. That was the last thing, that's what I could hold onto. I don't make a lot of money but I liked working there. Now that's gone. Should I be grateful that there is so little left to lose? What is left... my freedom, my very life? Do I have those now? Where do I go from here? Why can't I fix any of this? Listing all of the things I have lost doesn't seem to be helping, the list is so long I would need to write it all down.

The unexamined life is not worth living. When I examine mine, it's not worth living either. What am I suppose to do, cling to the hope of better times ahead? What evidence do I have that suggests things will get better? When I look at things logically I come to the conclusion that things are more likely than not going to get worse. If you find yourself going through hell, keep going. How long can that quote keep me going? What happens when I feel like I just need to lay down. It took everything to keep from bawling while at work today. I love that place, and now it's gone. It's all fucking gone. Everything leaves, they all do. Are they being taken, or am I letting them slip away? Am I not holding on tight enough? For the friend from my past that I e-mailed asking if I had the right e-mail, I did more googling I know it's you. I thought perhaps you didn't get the e-mail so I texted you. Fuck you for not responding, fuck you for not saying hello. Just a conversation to catch up, just a hi how are you.... all because I had a dream and you were in it. You were one of those friends that I didn't realize I was lucky to have, but clearly I was appreciated even less, so fuck you. Fuck all of them.

Posted at 01:04 am by Unforgiven
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Tuesday, May 05, 2009
After me again

They are after me again.  I'm tired.  The one thing about my life that I liked (my job) is changing into something I won't like.  It's becoming increasingly difficult to continue. 

what we learned as children
that one plus one equals two
we know to be false
one plus one equals one
we even have a word
for when you plus another equals one
that word is love

Posted at 12:44 am by Unforgiven
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Saturday, September 20, 2008
Starbucks alone

It's Saturday night and I am at a Strabucks alone, after eating dinner alone. I've become the most antisocial person I know. That was suppose to be a joke. In an effort to socialize I went into a chat room and chatted with a computer programmer from Spokane that also has a boat last night at like 2 am A sorta cute guy just came into Starbucks with a backpack on. He's a little young, looks maybe 20 to 22. There is something about guys with backpacks, it's like they are ready to go. Back when I had a place of my own it was like they were ready to go back to my place. I don't know, I wonder what is in his backpack. I've forgotten how to socialize anymore, there was a time when I would have said hi to the guy, but thats no more. I like guys who aren't hot in the traditional sense, he's not hot in the traditional sense. My god he just sat down in the overstuffed chair next to me. He asked if I minded if he sat there then pulls out a nice laptop, so I complemented him on his laptop and we had a conversation. My god I don't know how to interact with people any more. He's a programmer from Seattle working at the hospital. I misjudged his age, I would guess him to be more like 24 now. He's not cute, but then he is. He's listening to his little MP3 player, I bet it would freak him out if he knew I was writing a whole fucking page about him. Anyways he seems nice, maybe he's gay maybe he's not. Maybe hell marry, maybe he wont, may hell have children,maybe he wont, maybe hell divorce at 40, maybe he'll dance the funky chicken on his 75th wedding anniversary... sorry I got lost in song lyrics there. Yup, he totally does it for me. I bet he has a hotel room within walking distance of here. I wonder why I am attracted to computer programmers. God I have this pain behind my eye, I am taking antibiotics for what I thougth was a sinus infection but christ I shouldn't be having pain behind my eye like this. I tend to jump from one topic to another, I guess typing like this is like talking to oneself. What do you do when you are really really lonely, you talk to yourself but if people here you they think you are crazy. But if you are in Starbucks typing away at 60 or so words a minute they just think you are working on something important and are smart. But this is important, it's important that I write about random computer programmer guy sitting next to me. It's important that I talk to myself. He's got thin hair, I don't like thin hair. Okay my age estimate has just gone up, of course the older he is with no wedding ring the bigger chance he's gay. My friend Celeste isn't returning my calls, my one gay friend moved 60 miles away and I seem to be only text message worthy to him. This funny looking little kid just walked by... damn his parents need to feed him, the kid looks like he's starving. I don't know why but that kid looks fucking hilarious, but seriously he's 3 and a half feet tall and looks like he weighs 25lbs. It's so uncomfortable trying to type on my lap like this. I should just hit on consultant boy. He's got little cuffs on his jeans....I wonder if he goes to the hospital IT department looking like that. Then Sandpoint is pretty lax, I think many companies have realized requiring employees that don't meet with customers to dress in slacks, a button up shirt and ties is dumb. You end up getting a bunch of really shitty dressed people in see through dress shirts that technically meet the dress code requirement. The worst case scenario he's straight, and those cuffed jeans make me wonder. I'm getting skater turned geek vibe from him. I wonder if he's interested in an out of shape man who makes of what he makes and who has a really negative view of life and the entire justice system of a state out to get him. Thankfully I have a charming personality and am the life of every party. My boss is cool, I talked to him on the phone today. He was talking all about fluid dynamics and boat design. It's good that he continues to learn. Well I guess I don't have much more to say. I think geek boy is straight, I haven't talked to him again and I kind of just brushed him off after our short conversation of Windows vs. XP. If I was smart, I would have offered to burn a copy of XP media for him. I'm not sure if it violate the license agreement but he has a license on the bottom of the laptop. Maybe he's listening to gay techno music thinking to himself there is no one gay in this town right now and wondering about me, wouldn't that be funny.

Posted at 11:13 pm by Unforgiven
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Monday, December 17, 2007
still at it

Well the state appealed my victory and won.  Going on 5 years of my life... 5 years of stress, high blood pressure, inability to get anything but entry level work.  5 fucking years.  Now I am waiting again to see what they are going to do.... because what I do doesn't matter.  I'm not even allowed to talk... it's the state against me and they do what they want to do.   

Posted at 09:45 pm by Unforgiven
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Sunday, March 18, 2007
just another manic monday

Well bloggy I'm not sure if my life got worse or it's about to get better.  My job sent me home.  I sent an e-mail to a coworker saying I couldn't assist with something, and that if they limited their smoke breaks to two a day they would have ample time to solve the problem for themselves.  Actually I sent it to two people who make up the department.  The general manager kind of has it in for me because I went around him when I never got a response on my request for tuition reimbursement.  That and I think he wants to poke the lady that I sent it to.  Althought he's kinda of poking the head of the accounting department.... while he's still married.  I was told to go home until I apologize, and is said, "you don't want me coming in tomorrow?" and they said don't come back until you apologize.  I said I wasn't going to apologize and left.  So do I have a job there anymore or not?  Unfortunately it was a coworker's birthday that day, and he was told to stay an hour later by my supervisor who sent me home.  My supervisor is salaried, but he only works around 32-35 hours a week and couldn't stay that late.  So he was late getting home for a birthday dinner.  I was really, really, upset about the whole thing.  I checked my blood pressure and it was 227 over 117 or something crazy so I laid down and it went down to 178 over 118.  Then I thought to myself, what are the things I need in life and what are the things I want in life.  Money was on both of those lists, but interesting as I listed the things in my mind my cheesy job wasn't one of them.  Then I thought, this could be an opportunity.  It could motivate me to get a better job.  Of course my family is unsupportive.  It's like they are ashamed that I might get fired from my shitty job, where the bi-polar sociopath that runs it has it in for me.  At my core, I am kind of an asshole.  I know this.  Events in my life have made me a bigger one.  Certainly, my depression has made it worse as well.  Basically, I'm pretty abrasive.  Where I work management likes to send people home when they have been naughty.  I think what's bad is I have worked there for two years and they didn't ask or even care to hear my side of the story.  That is what tells me the boss has it in for me.  Plus he's totally inept, and he probably knows I think he is totally inept because I have a big mouth that gets me into trouble.  Such as life.  I'm the only one there with a fucking bachelor's degree in business that works there so that's great.  Knowing the company I work for, they will call me in for some stupid meeting and want me to sign some stupid paper that is not based on any facts.  I can either tell them to roll the piece of paper and shove it up their ass or I can suck it up.  I think apologizing is out of the question.  The most I can offer is perhaps to work on having a better attitude, and not give up on solving a problem after being e-mailed four times about it and talking to my boss twice about it.  I should have continued to bother my incompetent supervisor until he gave me some direction and just not responded to the e-mails.  In any event, the way I have been feeling lately I just tell myself that it's lucky I am still alive.  That's what the most important thing is.  I'm alive, and I am free.  Dying of a stroke over some hourly wage job would be a pathetic way to go.  I'm alive and I'm a hell of a lot smarter than the idiots I work for, and really that's not saying much. 


Well its late, I am going to end with some quotes I like.    


If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true,
there would be little hope of advance.
Orville Wright


It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
Chinese Proverb


Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
Leo Tolstoy


Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Posted at 10:57 pm by Unforgiven
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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Well I graduated from college with a bachelors.  I'm amazed that I am finished.  It feels weird not having homework due.  I haven't written much lately.  I'm in the middle of a serious depressive state.  I went to the doctor, and now a counselor. I just feel this sadnesss... and hate and rage and I feel anxious.  I miss feeling love, it's been so long since I felt that.  I miss happiness, I miss kissing, holding hands, caring about someone, loving someone.  I feel like my hope is running out.  I no longer appreciate the beauty in my drive to work every morning.  Instead I just dread wasting another day of my life in exchange for peanuts.  I don't feel like carrying on anymore.  I'm cold, I'm tired... I just want to lay down and die peacefully.  Maybe this descent will end.  Maybe it'll be the kicking and screaming at the end that will allow me to pull myself out of this. 



Posted at 11:04 am by Unforgiven
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Next Page

I have no idea what to put here so I guess I will just talk about me. Lets see, I am in my mid 20's. I'm gay, and I am not too happy about that. I have a pretty negative attitude towards a lot of things. I wanted to have an online blog to kind of journal my days I guess. I think writing down your thoughts and feelings or even just what you did with your day is a good thing. I guess that is it for now.

I thought I would add some of my interests:

I love movies and watch a lot of films.
Computers are cool but if you do it for work it ruins it
Cute & sweet guys
I've always wanted to get my pilots license
Listening to music is fun but I have to be doing something else too
I want a sailboat and I want to live on it and sail around, drink red wine, and not work
Using the wireless internet at Starbucks late at night.

I don't want anyone reporting me as being crazy or if I say in here I want to kill someone so..... everything in here is a work of fiction and has no relation to real life events. Any relation to real events is purely coincidental and all characters herein are portrayed by adults.
One more thing, unforgiven is from dub the unforgiven, a Metallica song I used to like. It doesn't imply I feel I need to be forgiven, if anything it implies I have a difficult time forgiving people. If you are going through hell, keep going.....

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